Parenting a preteen

Having a kid that is soon enough reaching her teenage years both excites and freaks me out a bit. I believe the hardest years might be to come… This feels like the crucial stage where I want to make sure I keep a healthy and secure relationship with her. Where she knows she can always be safe to share her thoughts and concerns with me. I also hope I will earn her respect to be listened to for advice when it counts. I will not try to be the overly strict parent or the overly “cool immature” one either. Neither of these clichés fits me. But finding the balance in between is not always perfectly easy.

As the perfect mirror she is, it will always backfire when I myself am shattered.

We have our recurring moments of fights and battles and it always makes me feel like a shitty parent. When I get some distance from the intense roller coaster of emotions that we both sometimes have, I can often see there’s a better way of dealing with conflicts and problems. I know for myself, I need to work more on being grounded and centered in my being. Meditate more. Sleep more and eat well. That always makes a huge difference for our dynamic. As the perfect mirror she is, it will always backfire when I myself am shattered. It’s comical how we often know the answers in the theory, but in practical everyday life it is a whole other thing to integrate.

We have done so much by ourselves over the years. Single parenting has had it’s hardships but mostly… I look back with gratitude. It might be selfish and foolish, but I have seen so many strides between separated parents where the kids have been pushed and pulled in between. I am grateful this has not been part of her childhood. There have been tears and hardships when she was younger, that she did not grow up with a father. And I have held her in that pain. But she has been tough and hopeful in a way she should never have had to, but that I admire nevertheless. When she was 7 years old she herself chose to “adopt” my new found partner as a bonus-father. It was a scary step and a decision I made clear to stay out of. I did not want to project my own thoughts or feelings onto her or him in any way of the decision. It was very important for me that it was something between them, as I myself grew up with multiple father figures during my childhood. Which did not always pan out for the best. Seldom even, to be honest. It was a destructive and unsafe environment I’ve never wanted to recreate myself in my own parenthood. 

We are not suppose to do this alone. We are suppose to have our tribes, with kids having more than one adult to turn to.

Having someone to share parenthood with these last years has been a readjustment to say the least, but we have done our best all of us together. Even though I have stood as the “parent number one” it has only been a positive addition to have a “parent number two”. She is a cautious kid who doesn’t show affection or vulnerability easy to other people. Hardly even my siblings that she’s grown up with. But he has been one of those people that has been that safe space for her. Someone who has even acted as a buffer between me and her when we have had our stubborn fights. And I think this is something that is so crucial in parenting. Not being alone. We are not suppose to do this alone. We are suppose to have our tribes, with kids having more than one adult to turn to. I have always wanted this for her, but it is not easy in this western society. We are the typical “single household” people, isolated and depressed. Breaking out of this way of living is not easy, even though I have always had my advantages as an extrovert person. Imagine leaning towards the introvert spectrum.. In this society, you are pretty much screwed then. I really hope this will change in time. People will always need people to survive. 

I feel I am rambling away now, not keeping the red thread… But my original thoughts around this subject is, I hope to be the mother that she deserves. I hope when she looks back at her childhood, she can see through my mistakes and know I always wanted to do right by her.