Fear of setting goals

I think I have gotten too comfortable lately. I haven’t stretched my mind and challenged myself enough this year. I know this and have avoided it as the truth that it is. But I am also thinking, maybe I needed it. I needed to be so comfortable I would be sick of it and myself in the end, to really kick myself to start something new. And I am starting to reach this limit now I can feel. For a time now I have gotten signs and felt a strong inner pull, that I should try to study again. I have resistance even admitting this in text yet, because it makes it real. Maybe too real.

Studying has never been my strong suit, and that I have gotten as far as I have is nothing short of miracle. Being diagnosed with both ADD and complex PTSD has given me more humility and self understanding now as an adult. That I did the best I could with the very few and mostly wrong tools at hand. Maybe it would be different today, with better tools and setting.

After my regular nighttime phone call with my cousin that has almost become routine lately, I started to feel this inspiration again. Listening to her and everything she has done making up for her grades this year (that I myself also need to do if I ever want to study at university level), I am feeling this inner pull even stronger. We are a lot alike me and her, and I am starting to feel… heck, can Jezzie do it I should be able to do it too! Maybe?

One of the things besides fear of failure, that also has held me back for so long, has been this job I have been offered. Because it might not work to combine with studies. But I really feel I don’t want to let that hinder me before I have even tried. I need to at least start to investigate the options now…

Looking down at my hand and being reminded of my sacred motto, Always set your intention, I realize. It’s time to set my intention this year, and that might as well be that I somehow will start to study this year. Firstly I have set my intention now to get in contact with a study counselor tomorrow. One step at a time!