Family is roots, and I feel rootless

Some days more than others I get that sting in my heart, remembering I don’t have that close family bond that so many others share with their family. Weekly dinners, birthdays, celebrating holidays together and such. I guess today is one of those days. And in some ways I know I chose this, I moved far away from the originally and pretty large family I do have, years ago.

But only because when relationships can’t be upheld in a healthy and harmonious way, I chose to end them no matter how close of a family bond it is. I have to. I have to always aim for a healthy and happy life as a mother because anything that will be damaging to my daughters childhood is out of the question for me. Unfortunately it is a bit like choosing plague or cholera as it becomes painfully obvious in holidays or when there is family gatherings that you are not a part of. It’s just me and my daughter, alone in this small apartment miles away from the northern Sweden that we originated from. And it pains me to think about how different it is for her compared to the large family I grew up in. But it is not that easy. As sad as it is, I would’ve chosen a small but emotionally (somewhat) healthy and kind family over the one I had. And so I had to make a choice, to leave the town I grew up in and make it on my own 8 years ago. Jamila was 4 years old and we made the first big move to a larger city. And then again 4 years ago, to an even bigger city. And I don’t regret it even though it has cost me relationships with family and friends I still do love and care for.

I never wanted to loose my relationships with my siblings but also I did not want to loose my will to live. And early on in my teenage years, I really did not want to take part of this life anymore. The emotional and physical abuse you endure as a kid affects you deeply for the rest of your life… And I remember dreaming of being adopted to a new, kind and loving family all my childhood. And I even still do sometimes to this day, even though I turn 27 this year. I wish for a mother and a grandmother for my daughter. I wish to have weekly dinners and celebrating holidays together with a loving and kind family. And I want to keep positive and think, it is never too late. That perfect family that would love to adopt us might still be out there somewhere, and we have just not met yet.